Today I volunteered for some research at the hospital where I work (not in a medical capacity – as will be made obvious by the ignorance of the human body displayed in the rest of this post). It was completely non-invasive and involved no drugs, just a series of cardiograms and ultrasounds to check my cardio-vascular system.
I was slightly concerned about this as I’ve always assumed I was one of those people who look healthy and slim to the outside world but who are actually carrying around a ton of lard in their arteries. But no, apparently I have an exceptionally healthy cardio-vascular system which I can’t tally with all the beer, chocolate and cheese I consume – not to mention my exceptional laziness. There must REALLY REALLY be something in the red wine and garlic thing.
Anyway, what I really wanted to write about was that it’s so peculiar to look at your heart on a monitor. So odd, floating like a jellyfish – but moving really quickly, like a clenching fist. I find it hard to get my head around the fact that what I saw on the screen was actually inside my body. I suppose when I think about my existence, I think more about my mental consciousness than my physical body and it was strange to see such a clear example that I’m just a mammal. It was very cool though. We don’t get enough opportunities to see inside our own bodies.
The last time I really thought about my physicality and mortality was at the Body Worlds exhibition a few years ago (Gunther von Hagens’ preserved dead people) when I felt sickened and terrified by the obvious reminder that I’m just a bag of skin, blood and organs and that I’m going to die, though I think the nausea was mostly caused by the unpleasant smell of the chemicals used in his plastination technique. I’ve nothing against the Body Worlds exhibition. It’s educational and extremely leveling – we’re all the same under our skin. I’m just not brave enough to face my own mortality.
Looking at my own organs though? That’s great. I am very glad I did it and that I’m healthy and that I got to say Hello to my heart.
